


Closest To Your Heart

by Morgan (morgan32)



Series: Out Of Darkness [3]
Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Gen, HTLJ: Season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-08
Updated: 2009-03-08
Packaged: 2017-10-02 06:17:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgan32/pseuds/Morgan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Out Of Darkness</i> is my response to the storyline that took up the first half of the fifth season of Hercules. From "Faith" through to "Redemption", in other words. This is not meant to be a story: the story is in the episodes. What I have here is more of a meditation on the unfolding arc: Hercules' thoughts on each of his voyages.</p><p>The third story takes place after <i>Somewhere Over the Rainbow Bridge</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Closest To Your Heart

(_Leaving Norseland, sailing south_)

I watched the sun come up this morning. There's nothing quite like sunrise over the open sea: it takes over everything. Beautiful. This morning, the sight was even more welcome than before. The end of the night, a new day. I looked at the sun until it hurt my eyes so much I had no choice but to turn away.

I dreamed of Iolaus again last night.

I woke in darkness and he was there beside me. It felt so natural I forgot that he's dead. We've shared a bed so many times before, especially aboard ship, where there's always limited space, I couldn't see anything wrong with him being here. I just lay there for a moment, feeling the movement of the ship, hearing his breathing and my own. Then I remembered.

He's gone.

Yet he was still there, beside me. Close enough to touch. I couldn't help myself. I _had_ to reach out to him. And as my fingers touched his skin (he felt warm, so _normal_) he opened his eyes.

"Hey, buddy. Miss me?"

I can't remember the rest of it. But when I woke just before dawn I was on the deck, not in the cabin where I know I went to sleep. I felt tired, like I hadn't slept well. And there was … I had a wound that wasn't there before.

It was just a dream. I think. I guess it's not surprising that I'm dreaming about him. He was always closest to my heart.

This voyage has been easier. This time I can look forward with some hope. I know I'm leaving something good behind me. Another land, other gods. New friends.

The gods of Norseland were so different. I understand now, why I saw Baldur as Iolaus in my dream. If he had died, the world would have lost so much. His dreams for his family are worth pursuing. I hope he succeeds. But it wasn't just Baldur that was different, it was all of them. They were more human than the gods I know. Their feelings were real; Baldur and Thor at least, really cared about those people.

I never thought I'd find gods who care.

Imagine Zeus risking his life for a mortal the way Thor did! No … that's not fair. Zeus risked more than his life for my mother when Hera threatened her. He loved Alcmene, as much as he knew how. I just wish he understood what love really is. He thinks it's enough just to watch over someone. I couldn't live like that. I need the people I love around me.

Yeah, right. That's why I'm here, alone on the open sea, thousands of miles from home.

Will I never learn?

I need to decide where I'm going now. I suppose I should head back to Greece. I don't have a lot of family left, but what I have is there. Iphicles, Jason. It would be good to see them again.

Why am I hesitating? Where else would I go? Greece is home. Even in my darkest times, I've remembered that. All my friends are there.

No, not all of them. I left Nebula behind in Sumeria. I hope she's alright. I know … I know how hard it is to lose a lover. It doesn't matter how short a time they had together. And I didn't exactly treat her with compassion back there. She did everything she could to help me, far more than she should have. I never stopped to realise that she was grieving, too.

I owe Nebula a lot more than an apology.

Before I go anywhere else, though, I should return to Eire. It's on the way, and I have unfinished business there.

Mabon and the other Druids are teaching the Celts to get along without the gods. When I first met them I admired that. But now … Hilda said sometimes people need something to believe in larger than themselves. I'd never realised it before, but she _is_ right. I wonder, is being without the gods such a good idea? I only met one of the Celts' gods, after all. Cernunos was evil, but that doesn't mean they're all the same.

Cernunos deserved everything he got. I would have killed him myself if Morrigan hadn't stopped me.

_I_ would have killed him? A god? Yes, I would have. I killed Dumuzi. I'm not sure how, anymore, but I know I did it and I know I did it deliberately. And I would have killed Cernunos.

When did I change so much?

It's not that long since Ares murdered Serena. When the Chronos Stone took me back in time, I fought Ares with a dagger dripping with hind-blood. And I couldn't kill him. I hated him: he murdered my wife … but I couldn't kill him.

He's my brother, and he's a god. The gods do serve a purpose, however reluctantly. And they're not all bad. For every god like Ares or Hera there's one with a good heart. Aphrodite. Hades. Hephaestus.

Maybe it's different in Eire. I'll have to remember to ask Mabon when I see him.

Yes, I'm going back to Eire, at least for a while. I want to see Morrigan again. I shouldn't have run out on her the way I did. She's been through a lot. She might still need my help. I'm not afraid she'll go back to her old ways, but it isn't going to be easy for her to start over. It will take her a long time to persuade the Celts to trust her.

Still, I don't think she's the type who'll give up.

Yes, I'm going back to Eire. There's still something there calling to me, calling me back.

Or am I just avoiding the inevitable? In Norseland, I don't think Loki was working alone. There's an enemy still out there. I can still feel the darkness gathering, in the south.

I don't think it's something I can avoid. Bad news always finds me sooner or later. Usually sooner.

Best to find a port while I still can.


End file.
